I can’t have children.
When we first started trying, my husband, Ethan, held me through every negative pregnancy test. He would pull me close, press his lips to my forehead, and say, “We’ll try again,” like it was the most natural thing in the world.
But after the fourth failed treatment, something shifted.
We stopped talking about baby names. The nursery we’d spent a whole Sunday afternoon planning just became the storage room again.
I can’t have children.
The subject of children became something we just didn’t touch anymore.
I started noticing the way Ethan looked at families in restaurants. He’d stare, just for a moment, and the second he caught me watching, he’d quickly look away. He never said anything. Neither did I.
That was the problem, really.
We both worked from home, and sometimes it felt like we were spending our days dancing around each other.
We orbited each other politely, carefully.
I started noticing the way Ethan looked at families in restaurants.
One evening, after another doctor’s appointment, I sat on the edge of our bed and said it out loud.
“Maybe we should stop trying.”
Ethan stood by the window with his back to me. “I don’t want to give up on having a child.”
***
A few weeks later, he came home with a thick stack of documents tucked under his arm and an excited look on his face. “I’ve been researching surrogacy.”
I stared at the papers, then looked at him. At that moment, I thought maybe we were going to be okay.
“I don’t want to give up on having a child.”
He handled everything after that: the agency, the lawyers, the interviews.
Eventually, he introduced me to Claire. She was warm and easy to like. She already had two kids of her own, too.
Contracts were signed. The embryo transfer worked.
Claire was pregnant.
For the first time in years, Ethan and I felt like a real family again. Like we were building something together, finally, after so long spent watching it fall apart.
The embryo transfer worked.
At first, we visited Claire together. We brought vitamins, groceries, and a pregnancy pillow I’d spent 40 minutes choosing online.
Claire laughed and shook her head. “You two are spoiling me.”
But a few weeks later, Ethan started going alone.
One afternoon, he kissed my forehead, grabbed his keys, and called back over his shoulder, “Sweetheart, Claire mentioned she might be running low on vitamins. I’ll bring her some.”
At first, we visited Claire together.
“Now?” I asked.
“It’ll only take an hour.”
The visits started happening more often. During the workday, late in the evenings, and on weekends.
One Saturday, I was standing at the stove stirring something when he rushed through the kitchen, already pulling on his jacket.
“Love, I’m going to check on Claire and the baby.”
The visits started happening more often.
“You just saw her two days ago,” I said.
He laughed, the way you laugh when someone says something a little absurd. And then he was out the door before I could even think about stepping away from the stove to go with him.
That kept happening.
Once I grabbed my coat and said, “Wait, I’ll come with you.”
Ethan stopped in the doorway. “You don’t have to.”
That stung.
“Wait, I’ll come with you.”
Sometimes he came back with little updates.
“She’s craving oranges.”
“Her back is bothering her.”
“The baby kicked today.”
I should have felt included by those updates, but mostly I just felt like someone receiving a postcard from a trip I wasn’t on.
And then there were the folders.
Sometimes he came back with little updates.
Ethan had always been organized, but this was something else. He kept receipts, doctor’s notes, and printed photos. Everything was filed and labeled.
“Why are you saving all of that?” I asked one evening.
He shrugged. “Just being organized.”
I nodded, but something about it seemed excessive.
Everything was filed and labeled.
“Ethan. Don’t you think you’re visiting Claire a little too much?”
He blinked. “What are you implying?”
“I’m not implying anything. It just feels… strange.”
He laughed. “Sweetheart, she’s carrying our baby. I just want her to have a smooth pregnancy.”
I nodded. I smiled. I let it go. But I didn’t stop feeling uneasy about how much private time my husband was spending with our surrogate.
“I’m not implying anything. It just feels… strange.”
The next day, I decided to do something crazy.
I slipped a small voice recorder into the inside pocket of Ethan’s jacket right before he left to see Claire.
